I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
