That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
