I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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