If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
