sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
