phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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