Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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