i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
