so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
