i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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