No awkward lesbian experiences without me
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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