And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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