Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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