**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize