It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
