I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
