does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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