I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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