That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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