If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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