Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
