in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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