I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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