it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
