I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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