I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
