my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize