just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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