You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
