Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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