My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
