woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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