i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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