i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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