I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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