I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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