I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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