just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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