I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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