were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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