I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
