Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
