best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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