Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
