onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
