So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
