How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
