I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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