wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
