no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
