Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize