He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
