Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
