he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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