Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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