Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
