got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
