I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize