I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
